Faces

Meet some of the jovial faces I've encountered in the past couple of years.

The first one I remember was at an unplanned trip to the Vatican in Rome in October, 2023, on a tour guide sign in the reception area. A glimpse of this surprising, silly face hovering above a crowd of strangers sparked a disjointed moment of curiosity and uplift in a very dark time. I photographed it. 

After this, I saw faces everywhere! In garbage cans, stains, coffee cups, food, and lots of bathroom fixtures. They became my unexpected travel companions after I didn’t return to Israel in the first days, and weeks, and eventually years of the war. Google remembers my October, 2023 like this. 

Many countries, many places. Many, many faces.  With my phone, digital pad, and suitcase in tow, I moved among strangers' faces while taking in the terrible news minute to minute. What was far was near, and what was near was foreign. People were scary. Everything was scary. The inanimate faces were just there. Surprisingly there.

Seeing faces in things is a phenomenon called pareidolia. It is described as a glitch in perception, or a way to sow meaning in the mind. In time, my younger son, Jonah, joined me on the road, and Elie and Eitan too. I pointed out the faces and they saw them more too. Apparently pareidolia is contagious. Now people send me photos of faces they see. They capture them and send sweet faces to me. 

Up until this war, I used a strong ability to think my way through things. Whatever happened, I could eventually work out in my head, sorting experiences and feelings into thoughts and plans of action. This time the duration and degree of heightened distress exceeded the capabilities in my thinking cap, so weird stuff happened. At one point, I saw myself across a crowded room, looking right at me! I later learned that this is dissociation, a coping response. Huh. I called it an “out of spirit experience”. I'm back in my body, by the way. Seeing things from the inside out again. And while deeply disconcerting, I am fascinated and relieved to experience the weird and amazing ways the mind and body respond autonomously to help face difficult things in times of crisis. 

Most of the natural coping responses that happened were out of my control and consciousness, including vision changes, spotty memory, a pull to distraction, and detachment. I shut out many stimuli while becoming captivated by others. A new focus into regulating my nervous system introduced me to the term “dysregulation”, the state of which I may likely have embodied most of my life. Yikes! A new portrait of self. Must file that in the thought category for later obsessive consideration. For now, a spotlight on the autonomic, the involuntary and unconscious systems within that rose to be of service. I believe the faces came to me at a time when I needed them.

More fiery brain processing power is devoted to faces than anything else. From newborns on, we process faces and navigate the complex emotions of others, positioning ourselves in response. We light up special parts of our brain when we see actual faces, but also pictures of faces, and even faces where there aren't faces. Face it, its fascinating. Even the spiritual idea of God's face has power. The stunning ancient priestly blessing from the Torah, "The Lord bless you and keep you," "make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you," and "lift his countenance upon you and give you peace", indicates the importance of receiving the face of God, though ultimately imperceptible in the physical world. Seeing God's face is an impossibility to Moses in Exodus, as God tells him, ""You cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live", though Moses communicates "face to face" with God in other ways.

In Hebrew, the word for face is plural, faces. We don't have one face, we have many. We spend our waking time processing the faces of others from behind our own. And now, these days, we take in the extreme emotions of others behind screens, distanced in space and time, but exposed on the inside, vulnerable to our core. We are extremely connected and extremely disconnected. Perhaps given the brain power and spiritual power of faces, they are the physical, spiritual, and emotional portal to our humanity. We show people where we are in a moment, our hopes and fears, anger and disgust, our love; everything glistens in our eyes and the pout of our mouths. We receive and give this information in ways that push fast, past our consciousness and deep into our bodies, our nervous systems, our spiritual axis. Our reactions in a moment are powerful enough to impact each other so deeply the effects can linger for life.

Hello there nervous system, whatever you are. You don't have a face, but you have a big purpose. I've gotten to know you quite well lately. I'll share some tips and tricks here that have helped me move through these challenging days. To be clear, I don’t “enjoy” these coping strategies as they feel foreign and strange. I didn't ask to be pushed to the edge and expand my stubborn way of being, but I am feeling a lot better and this is worth sharing.

To calm the nervous system, I notice things around me. I notice the feel of the ground under my feet, the color of the wall, or plants, smells, sounds. I place myself in my immediate surroundings and put attention to sensory perceptions.  I also put new attention to what sensations I feel inside my body, like butterflies in my stomach, or tightness in my chest, or even lack thereof. There is no intentional goal or judgment here, just a recognition of sensations. It is the action of noticing that causes a pause and a settling. Simple.

Another calming tool you are already doing now, breathing. I work at breathing more deeply, holding it, paying attention to it. It's free and available anytime. Phew.

There is a technique called “tapping”. Weird, but works. Google it. I don't just do it when I need it, I do it most mornings as a practice. I believe the repetitive commitment calms the nervous system before it even fires up in reaction to something alarming. This technique is a strange pattern of gentle tapping on the side of the hands, between the eyes, temples, under eyes, under nose, the clavicle, under an arm on the ribs, and top of the head. I recommend not thinking too much about it. The body, ancient traditions, and a bunch of scientists have proven that tapping calms the nervous system. Like I said, weird, but, YES, you can tap in too.

With a bit more inner alignment, I employ affirmations. These are hopes, wishes, and positive thoughts. Sound a little woo woo? Maybe so. If the default is negative and fear-filled, I see scary things. I affirm the frame I aspire to, even if it is a conscious choice. Maybe in this manipulation I will see what I hope for, and the possibility of positivity is worth the effort. I plugged an affirmation in my calendar, and every morning and every night it tells me, “Something wonderful will happen to me today,” “Something wonderful will happen to me tomorrow.” Somehow, every day, multiple times a day, I find myself noticing wonderful things. Thank God.

Lastly, I’ve “digitally detoxed” from the worst offending media that makes me feel like the world is ending and everyone and everything is terrible. Limiting the triggers of images and bursts of information that take my mind and body to stressful places has reopened up space for creativity, focus, and wellbeing. In this calm and grounded state, I deal with the inevitable challenging things I face better. I am a better version of myself with others. From the perspective of introspection, that I work at by the way, I do not shout, protest, close off, cancel, or stew in self righteousness. I do not discriminate convincing myself I'm taking a moral high ground. I am not pulled to dehumanize or subvert morality selfishly. When I'm ok inside, I am open, curious, and strong to face the outside world. Able to consider the words and positions of others, even those I might not agree with. I strive for understanding even when what I hear and see is scary and painful. I handle the unhandleable better. I process, slow down, calm down, and consider. I cope. I put on a regulated face. When I am triggered, I use tools and techniques to calm myself down and reenter presence with my humanity intact.

Our last night together in Tel Aviv on the evening of October 6. 2023.

I don't see the faces as much as I used to, though its nice to share and remember them. It has taken a long time to write this and return to Tel Aviv, this time for a visit during the holidays. Almost two years to the day I finally brought my suitcase back along with my new memories (the spotty ones lucky enough to remain) and tips and tricks for coping. Finally ready to face the hard things I couldn't before, carrying with me a little more inner peace.